[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
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Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.