Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.