My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.