Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
im 7 sauces long
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
cat faces on other animals, a thread