Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*