Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
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u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
thanksgiving in nutshell
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Good morning, Twitter 😊