Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
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Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
why no one uses midhusbands
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”