*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
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Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw