you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
RT if you know someone like this!!!
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed