Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
You Might Also Like
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”