Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
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[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this