“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
You Might Also Like
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
jesus christ confetti not now
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.