when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”