I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
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The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.