Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
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I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
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I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
twitter is a journey
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
This is so me 😂😂
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know