I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
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Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her