FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
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Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?