-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar