[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
translated into Canadian
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.