Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))