No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Girl, same.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”