I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I support this random dude and all his protests
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle