So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
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10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
(Electricians.)
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.