Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
You Might Also Like
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I need a headline like this
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
when revenge coincides with naptime
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me sliding into hell like
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?