Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
You Might Also Like
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.