My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
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Another interesting #factupdates post!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
🤣🤣🤣
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Catercrombie & Fish
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.