[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
How to make infinite energy.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies