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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!