I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
You Might Also Like
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.