I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.