*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
You Might Also Like
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue