When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
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Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Time heals everything 🙂
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!