DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
cats when you pet them too long:
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?