Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
You Might Also Like
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Whisper out to librarians!
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
finally found a reasonable question
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.