Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
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If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.