“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
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I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?