You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Guilty! 🤪
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Me in tagged photos
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.