DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
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Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit