Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Meanwhile in Portland…
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.