Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
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TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say