[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019