SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
#JohnTravolta
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy