*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
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I hope Alan is OK
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*