The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
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Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
how to market bottled water to dads
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?