Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
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Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.