If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
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I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?