Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
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Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Cake!!
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.