Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.