G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows