[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
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Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I feel this so hard
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.